Earlier this year, I hit a breaking point. Truth be told, it was probably the last in a series of breaking points. I was wiped. Exhausted. Toast. Mentally done. Physically unwell. Emotionally spent. Finite.

On a beautiful summer day in August, after spending another full work day in tears, I finally pulled the plug. I submitted a request to take a personal month off from work to focus on myself. It was a hard day. It was hard because I LOVE my job. I love what I do, the people I work with, my boss, our values, all of it. I always jump at the chance to talk about work with family and friends. Knowing that I needed to drop it all and walk away was tough to swallow.

Luckily, I do work for a pretty amazing company. My manager suggested I take as long as I needed to handle what needed handled. Considering the past months had been filled with me hoping to avoid all interactions and hoping I didn’t burst into unexplainable sobbing, I figured it was pretty serious. So, although it was difficult, I walked away from my dream career FOR THREE MONTHS so that I could be a happier me. 

Here’s what I did:

1. A lot of meditating – I mean, a lot. The first few days of my Leave of Absence were nothing but meditation followed by long periods of crying. Talk about freaking your family out! I would quite literally go from meditating, to yoga, to crying, to laying under a weighted blanket multiple times throughout the day. Let me be clear – I had NO idea what I was crying about. Eventually I stopped trying to pin a reason on my emotions and just let myself have them without any judgement. Turns out that can actually induce MORE tears. I am extremely thankful for an understanding partner during this time. I was scared, and I knew that my fear was being projected onto everyone around me. If I felt any anxiety or discomfort about an aspect of my life, I would drop everything and go meditate. It’s a life hack I still keep in my tool belt every day now.
2. Struggled with general anxiety disorder – this is my main diagnosis. Anxiety affects millions of adults in America. We all have different amounts and severities we can handle before hitting a breaking point. We all handle the same stress differently. For me, it was pretending I wasn’t stressed until I was so enraged that I couldn’t hold it in anymore. This comes from a good place. Many of us, especially women, look to absorb the stress and anxiety from those around us to help them feel better. It’s a wonderful sentiment that only works if we know how to then take care of ourselves afterwards. Most of us don’t. 
3. Intense massage therapy – when I say intense, I mean, I spent 90 minutes on that table getting the best massage of my life. I went in with the intention of having an “emotional release”. Well, I ended up in a bit of a paralysis state that I had to BREATHE myself out of. My body literally was stuck right there in that room on that table. SCARY AF – but the massage therapist is amazing and I felt so much more free after the appointment. (Anyone in the SWMO area needing a good massage, hit me up so I can send the details.)
4. A lot of therapy – SO much therapy. Just when you think you’re done with therapy, there’s more therapy. My doctor is THE BEST and I wouldn’t trade him for a million dollars. He’s the hype man we all need to hold us accountable but also feel good. There were times at the beginning of my LOA where I was hanging by a thread until my next appointment, hoping to get some clarity on why my physical world seemed to be melting around me. I know that talk therapy isn’t something that most of us need forever, and it’s bittersweet to think someday I won’t need to schedule another appointment. For now, I’m soaking up as much as I can. 
5. Bought some horses – this was a decision that my bank account and chore list aren’t thanking me for. My inner child though? Screaming with joy every time she looks outside my window. We aren’t doing much riding yet, but we’re having so much fun learning and being around some beautiful animals.
6. Struggled with derealization –if you don’t know what derealization is, it’s a mental health condition that makes people and objects around you seem unreal. Consider it: thinking your entire world and the people in it were figments of your imagination. Even worse? The cold wave of guilt that splashes directly onto your face when you understand how wrong you are. I wouldn’t wish it on a single person. Meditation. Meditation. Meditation. 
7. Went on vacation – My partner and I went on a vacation that we almost ended up cancelling! The flight and accommodations had been bought well before anyone thought I was going to have a mental break, so as the dates loomed closer, we had many second thoughts. At one point though, we realized many of our second thoughts were stemming from wondering what other people would think about our decision. Screw that kinda mentality! So the two of us hopped down to the beach for a few days and had the time of our lives. No regerts!
8. Started a non profit – and blasted everyone about it LOL. But really, I’d say creating the nonprofit was a pivotal point in my journey. The nonprofit meshes together everything that I have ever been passionate about in my entire life. Nature, creativity, a safe space, and all of it available for ALL kids, regardless of their parents income level, job, race, or any other polarizing factor we humans are so good at establishing. In the nonprofit, lovingly named Safe Self Society, we work to build after school programs that enhance experiences for children who don’t have enriched lives outside of school. When life gets too stressful, I can come back to this project for peace and fulfillment. I could work on this project for my entire life and not get bored or experience a change of heart. I truly believe if everyone could develop a unique passion for helping others and turn it into a side hustle, the entire world would be a bit more happy.
9. Set some tough boundaries – I love boundaries. They can really surprise the heck out of a person! One day, you’re making a simple boundary with yourself such as, “I will no longer allow myself to be the bad guy in this situation.” And the next thing you know, that very harmless and good-intending boundary turns into you making some hard snips in your life. You see, for me personally, when I make a decision for myself, it’s made. Sometimes others don’t want to get onboard with that decision, and unfortunately, that means they no longer serve a place in your life. Letting go of people and things is heartbreaking. I choose to believe it’s for a better tomorrow (for me and them) and take comfort knowing it was still the right decision.
10. More therapy – told you the therapy doesn’t end! Okay so it’s actually really hard to set boundaries and stick to them. Please get yourself an educated hype person if you’re going to start doing this seriously. Shit sucks. 
11. Became certified to teach yoga – this was so cool to do! I started practicing yoga when I was in middle school. Back then (wait-am I old now?), there weren’t a lot of fun kid type options for yoga, so I was getting bored really fast. Today, there still aren’t a lot of options for yoga in general, much less kids yoga. I am ecstatic to start bringing this to our area. Morning yoga. Kids yoga. Grown up and me yoga. Birthday party yoga. I’m not stopping with the yoga. 
12. Struggled with mental health stigmas – yep. Here in 2023 we still have a lot of stigmas about being a little mental. Third party examiners looked at my paperwork and made comments such as “well if she can still get up, brush her teeth, and take care of her kids, she can probably still go to work.” On the flip side, we also heard the comment “she actually sounds like she needs an in-patient care situation versus out-patient.” So which is it? Am I not crazy enough or too crazy? The point is, it doesn’t matter. I, myself, have made offhand comments like this about others when I truthfully had no idea what they were going through. The point is, I made the decision for myself. I decided what I needed. For the first time in my life, I didn’t stop saying it until everyone else listened.
13. Tons of Crying + all the other emotions – I wish I could say I’m cured now. I wish I could say, “it’s all better. I’ll never be anxious or depressed again!” I’m human, though. I still cry several times a day. I still get upset, embarrassed, down, second guess myself, drown in imposter syndrome, pick apart my own skin, guilt trip on what I’ve done wrong. I let myself feel all of those things as deeply as I need to. And then I rein it all back in. I thank my brain for keeping me alive and keeping a check on the threats. I remind myself that I’m learning still everyday and allowed to make mistakes. I go to sleep (most nights) thinking about my favorite parts of the day instead of what I didn’t do right. I wake up feeling alive and ready. And really, that’s all any of us want. To wake up and just live.

I wouldn’t have traded this experience for the world. I truly feel like a swapped a big chunk of my stress and anxiety for peace of mind, love, and joy.

If you’ve had a similar experience, are thinking about it, have questions, or would like to reach out, I’d love to hear from you!

Enjoy these pictures from the adventure:

Talk soon,

Bri